Some days I don’t even think about God. I hate to admit this, but it’s true.
There also other days when I don’t want to spend time with God. Other priorities crowd God out. Sometimes I’m mad at God and don’t want to talk with Him. Actually, there are other times when I’m afraid of what He might say. He might show me something I’m trying to avoid. He might ask me to do something I don’t want to do. He might love me in a way I don’t feel I deserve.
I am still, after all these years as a Christian, trying to get my head around the fact that regardless of how much I invest in my relationship with God, He is always there for me.
God is not a transactional friend. He doesn’t just return love for our love shown to Him. He isn’t the kind of friend who walks away feeling neglected or even taken advantage of. He is always with me, always waiting when I return to Him, always in love with me.
I have been going through a rather dark period in my walk with Christ these last few months, feeling unworthy of His love. Working hard to prove my devotion – filling the time I would normally spend with Him. Questioning my gifts and my call.
The funny thing is, these dark periods happen to all of us. They actually are a very normal part of the Christian experience. In these times, we are not called to redouble our efforts to be spiritual, but to simply relax in God’s arms without guilt. Mother Teresa herself walked in darkness, not hearing God’s voice, for many years. Her conviction was simply to continue doing the last thing God asked her to do – serve the poor in Calcutta – until she again felt His presence and heard his voice. She struggled to stick with her prayer practice. She felt like a fraud ministering to her patients and her disciples. However, she persevered and never questioned God’s love for her or those around her.
I pray today that I (and all of us) will allow God to speak in the darkness. That we will to trust Him and his promises. I pray also that the dark times are powerful, but short as we seek to do God’s work in this world with gentleness and love.